This is a satirical news column.
Sadie Smith (freshman, executive politics) brought her new dog, Trouble – an orange Whippet – to the Oak Grove Sunday afternoon for a walk.
Now, the number of students who came out to see Trouble is being hotly contested.
Several students commented on Smith’s Instagram photo of Trouble in the Oak Grove that fewer people came out to see him than Cuddles, Smith’s late black pug.
“The Oak Grove was virtually empty Sunday,” one student, Tim Dems (senior, chantology) wrote. “It was packed the next day, of course, because students had classes.”
President Donald Trump’s new White House press secretary, Sean Spicer, in an unexpected move, visited campus Wednesday to dispel certain “myths” that Trouble isn’t getting as much attention as his predecessor, Cuddles.
“We know that 420,000 people came to the Oak Grove yesterday to see Smith’s new dog,” Spicer said, “which actually compares to 317,000 that came out to see Smith’s last dog. This was the largest audience to ever fawn over a dog – period – both in person and around the globe.”
Trouble had heard several students passing by in the Oak Grove say he isn’t as cute as Cuddles, Smith said. Trouble has been in a bad mood since, obsessing over his popularity.
This claim was quickly questioned by students and professors alike.
“I passed Trouble and saw almost no one there,” Shannon Fryer (sophomore, Bernie studies) said. “He seemed kind of mean. He was growling and barking at everyone. I miss Cuddles.”
“Why is this even an issue?” Smith’s political science professor, Dr. Dylan Cole, said. “Sadie’s dog has a lot more important things to be doing than caring about how much attention he receives. Shouldn’t he be focusing on digging holes and barking at cats instead?”
Thursday, Smith openly disputed Spicer’s assessment of the crowd size.
“I don’t even really like this thing,” Sarah said, referring to her pet. “He needs a fence, and my parents had promised to pay for one if I got him. But as soon as I took him home, they changed their story and said I had to pay for it the fence.
“Oh, and he’s obsessed with peeing,” she said.