This is a satirical news article.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
Assert yourself and don’t let anyone sway your thoughts. You know she’s the right choice, as she is also a Scoprio and you are both brave. It may have been hard to trust her at first, but since new light has shown, you have been given the truth you have been waiting for.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
This is not a promise you have to worry about not being delivered. Your voice will carry, and she will hear it. Your generosity has allowed you to see the generosity in her heart. You share the same ideal image, and know it is achievable.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
Your responsibility will lead you into a path of self-control. You won’t find yourself doubting your own convicitons, as you know who holds herself as the most professional.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
Your good listening skills drew you to the wisdom of The Truth Bearer. She will guide you on your journey in fighting for the polar bears.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)
Because of your gentle musical passions, the recent stylings of Jay-Z and Beyoncé spoke to your energy in making the right decision. Fear not for the outcomes, as she is worth your trust.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Don’t lose your patience, for the race is won and the victor will pave the way for your own victories. She will tear down the liars and cheats to make the playing field more playable.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
This is your time. You have the choice. The power. The whole country is relying on you to make the decision you know you have to make. You won’t find this responsibility weighing you down as you embrace the idea of changing history.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Your wonderment of this world matches the affection in her heart. Don’t let your nerves get the best of you, as you will not be alone in this choice you must make. The world is ready for you to make your mark.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Think of the possibilities that will be available to you and those you care for. Your family will accept this choice you make. There is a woman out there who shares the same image of a united nation.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
A holiday awaits you, with warmth and generosity. Your leadership has brought you to see the right path to it. You will not be ignored as the world will know it was you who made a difference.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Love is love, and she knows it. Give in to love and let your heart decide. You need not be shy, as mother nature is with you this week, and she knows you’ll take care of her.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
The scales are in your favor, and the options have been weighed. The rest is paperwork. You will not be confronted for your choices this week; there will only be immediate results.