This is a Satirical News Column
Out-of-hand homecoming events have forced Indiana Borough police to place campus under martial law.
Martial law gives the military the power to suspend the ordinary law and enforce their own. It originated during the Civil War by the order of President Abraham Lincoln.
“Students will need to report to their homes, apartments or dorms by 8 p.m. on weekdays and 10 p.m. on the weekends as of next week,” General George McMillen said.
“Anyone violating these laws will spend the night in county jail, be cited with after-dark presence and be given a $500 fine.”
Many new rules will be installed, and students can find those rules on MartialLawIUP.com.
A few rules that are “very important,” according to McMillen, are remaining inside at night, wearing your campus uniform and walking under 3.5 miles an hour at all times.
The martial law will also institute a prohibition on all alcohol in the borough if you are a student or under the age of 25, according to section 105:09. Cough medicine in large doses may only be purchased or administered by someone over the new legal age.
“Students must report to their classes without making unapproved pit stops in other buildings,” McMillen said.
The new law will be installed for the remainder of the semester and will be evaluated for effectiveness during finals week.
“Students won’t have to worry about distractions,” he said.
Positive morale will be rewarded by the new system, according to McMillen. If a student has no citations at the end of each month, the military will allow them to order Insomnia Cookies after their curfew.
“These new rules are for your own safety,” McMillen said. “You will likely find you become more successful and happier throughout the process.”