Crimson Hoax: Bad news hits Class of 2016 on eve of graduation

The Class of 2016 is faced with some heartbreaking news, as thousands of businesses announced Friday that they are no longer accepting four-year degrees as a valid form of education.

From Apbel to Genoral Electrik, major companies around the world are saying that a bachelor’s degree simply isn’t enough education for their potential employees.

“We simply feel that students are coming into our companies without enough knowledge to function properly in a real-world setting,” said Marjorie Moneybags, chairwoman of ATNT.

“We have recent graduates who are setting fires to our buildings because they tried to use a breakroom microwave to make Easy Mac. Safe to say, it’s getting out of hand.

“It is only possible to replace so many of our headquarters before we need to put a stop to things.”

Many other corporations have agreed with Moneybags that they find their younger employees to be less knowledgeable about seemingly easy tasks.

“Excessive napping has also become a chief problem for my HR staff,” Lucifer Loanshark, CEO of Big Banks Inc., added.

“Recent graduates are frequently so shocked by the stress of life outside of college and have such poor sleeping and eating habits that they are unable to function during normal business hours. They find any open space – a cubicle, a bathroom stall, the ground underneath water fountains – and simply begin to sleep.

“While this isn’t as much of a safety hazard as the macaroni and cheese epidemic, it is still a large problem for employees who are trying to be productive,” he said.

At this year’s annual gathering of the world’s largest businesses, Commercial Association of Semi-International Heritage (CASH), a unanimous vote decided that all allied conglomerates – 16,789 industries – would only hire those with master’s degrees or doctorates.

“We have nothing against college students,” said Juan Purshent, head of CASH’s convention-planning committee.

“They are just such a nuisance at this time. We believe a few more months – or years – in college would benefit all parties by raising the average level of maturity of employees, kind of like in the Cheez-It commercials.

“When these alumni become fully-functioning members of society, we will gladly hire them.”

Luckily, there is some hope for recent graduates. There is still time left to register for graduate courses in IUP’s 2016 fall semester.

Also, California just raised its minimum wage.