Crimson Hoax: back-patting becomes the new way for friends to say goodbye




A somber parting of ways turned triumphant Friday when two friends swapped the best round of back-patting they had ever experienced.

At a small gathering to celebrate a close friend moving out of state, Andy Williams, 26, of Indiana, along with a flood of tears, brought about a storm of back-pats upon his friend, Darren Johnson, 28, who was scheduled to depart for a job opportunity in New Jersey the following morning.

“We said our goodbyes,” Williams said. “But after an uncomfortable linger session followed by an irrelevant conversation with my family, Darren and I shared the best back-patting experience to date.”

Back-patting has been a common occurrence in the Williams household for the past year and a half – dating back to April 2014, when Williams’ uncle, Walt, died after suffering a heart attack at a local grocery store.

Andy Williams and his cousin, Todd, traded back-pats at Uncle Walt’s wake for just under seven minutes. And, according to Williams, there wasn’t anything like what he was about to experience.

“This going-away party definitely gave my uncle’s wake a run for its money,” Williams said. “At any kind of gathering, I like to scope out the crowd and try to choose who will accept my invitation to share some open-handed back touches with me.”

For Williams, Johnson ended up being that person.

“It most certainly blew the back-patting of April 2014 out of the water,” Williams said. “I will never forget this moment for as long as I live.”

Williams’ mother, Tracy, 67, added that the back-pat exchange was disappointing for the despondent young adult.

“Andy was devastated at Walt’s wake when his exchange with Todd only lasted 6:45,” Tracy said. “That wasn’t the result he trained for. So, when the goodbyes were said to his buddy Darren, he knew Darren wouldn’t let him down. I am so proud of my son’s determination.”

Sources confirmed that Andy Williams’ search for the best backpat was not over.

The 26-year-old would be searching for another opportunity to better his record of 7:37.

The Crimson Hoax is a satirical news column.