Crimson Hoax: Police horses hold press conference regarding IUPattys


Fearing the possible influx of erroneous behaviors and ill-planned ideas of IUPattys weekend, Indiana University of Pennylvania students’ uproarious celebration, the horse officers of Indiana Borough Police held a press conference in the barracks barn.

The horse officers’ goal for the conference was to advise stu- dents on behavior for Friday and Saturday night and remind them what not to do.

Officer Whisker Tickles stepped up to the fence as the first presenter.

“This weekend, students have this crazy idea that they need to eat and drink every green item they can get their hands on,” Tickles whinnied. “But this isn’t always a good idea.”

“Humans shouldn’t be eating grass like us,” Tickles said. “Your stomachs can’t handle that. And if you don’t know what it is, please don’t drink it.”

Officer Pretty Lady took to the fence next to remind the crowd of the existing rule against petting the horses without asking.

“Unfortunately, the human sector of our force hasn’t changed their rule that bans students from rubbing their soft, furless hands through our manes,” Lady said.

“Believe me, I’m as disappointed as you are,” she neighed.
“Maybe we could all protest this together sometime. But this weekend would probably be a bad idea.”

The next speaker was Officer Mister Cuddlywumpus, who shared some personal experiences and wisdom.

He said he was a student at IUP back in 2005 when he was “just a

“I was a fool foal,” he said. “I used to get drunk way more than necessary and failed all of my grazing exams.”

Cuddlywumpus ended his short speech with a lesson he learned Saint Patrick’s Day years ago.

“Let me tell you all about a young college horse who saw a rainbow and followed it to its end out of curiosity,” Cuddlywumpus said.

“You know what was there?” he asked.

The crowd answered in a unanimous shake of the head.

“The police barracks,” he said. “And I’ve been stuck here ever since.”

The conference ended with several yips and huffs about the upcoming weekend from Officer Spot Whippersnapper.

“All of you better behave,” Whippersnapper said. “Your shenanigans stress us horses out. I don’t get to go to bed until you do, and I’m 12.”

The police horses welcomed questions, carrots and pats from the small
audience after the conference.